This Week In The News

This weekend, newspapers around the country ran stories about the looming water shortage in teh United States. According to a widely circulated article, 38 states will confront severe water shortages in the next fifteen years. The article noted that many states are enacting new conservation programs, investing in desalinization, controlling sprawl, and funding "deep well drilling." TWN ventured to the White House to see how they would confront this imminent crisis. For his part, the President stated"severe drought is natural and not man made. Why one thousand years ago people had to live on their own saliva and the urine of farm animals. Besides, before we get all panicky, there may be a water shortage, but I don't notice any shortage of soda pop or bottled tea. I think we will be fine." Dana Perino, the Administration's Communications Director noted, "The so called water shortage is just another liberal myth. It is part of the left's radical water-for-everyone-strategy. These are the people who would sacrifice our sprawling subdivisions just so everyone can drink from a tap." Dick Cheney, speaking from an undisclosed location added, "Obviously the solution is to transfer all our water rights to Halliburton and allow them to sell the water back to us. There is nothing here a no bid contract can't solve."

This week, the Washington Post got hold of a numerous confidential memos that former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumseld sent to his staff during the early years of the Iraq war. Termed "snowflakes" the memos would often fly out of Rumsfeld's office a the rate of several a day. One urges the Department of Defense to "Make the American people realize they are surrounded in the world by violent extremists," Another suggests that aides test the term "global insurgency" as a moniker for the War on Terror and "keep elevating the threat" in the face of media criticism. (real quotes). Asked if the memos did not portray a paranoid view of the world and a desire to instill public panic, a retired Rumsfeld responded, "Sweet saints and the harps they play ... no!. Was Rumsfeld aware that he was one of the few men willing to defend this country against an overwhelming force? Yes. Did Rumsfeld have to shake the public's confidence in so called facts that proved Rumsfeld wrong? Yes. Does Rumsfeld sleep in a quilt of testosterone replacement patches which may affect his cognitive abilities? Of course."

This week, the Center for Investigative Reporting (CIR) released a report concluding that federal employees who publicly expose wrongdoing in the federal government have very litte legal protection. According to the study of 3600 whistleblower cases, most whistleblowers were left to the mercy of presidential appointees who either terminated or demoted them. Lawsuits filed by whistleblowers were successful in only 3% of cases. While Congress has attempted to expand the legal protections for whistleblowers, the President has promised to veto any such legislation in the name of national security. Speaking on behalf of the President, Dana Perino stated, "Whether it was no bid contracts or global warming, this Administration has been stung time and time again when our misdeeds, I mean actions, have been revealed to the outside world by some civil service schmuck with a triple digit pay grade. The American people should not have the will of their elected officials hampered by these smarmy do gooders."

This week, venerable picker Bruce Springsteen kicked off a tour supporting his latest album "Magic." Among the tracks on the disc is one titled "Who Will Be the Last to Die For a Mistake" (an homage to John Kerry's 1973 Senate testimony). Concerned that this obvious swipe at the Iraq War would gain traction, the Pentagon quickly answered New Jersey's favorite son: "While we cannot give you the name of the last soldier to die in Iraq, we can provide some pretty good demographic information. "He -- and it will likely be a he -- will be a white male aged 19. He will hail from the South and likely come from a home at or below the median income for the county in which he lived. He will have a high school education with slightly above average grades. While he will have no definable political persuasion, he will identify with patriotic themes and want to make his parents proud. He will have a girlfriend who likes him much more than she lets on as well as a family who love him very much and remember when he got his first baseball mitt. His friends will report that he could do great impressions of their teachers. He will die by contact with an improvised explosive device or by beings shot by one of our so called allies. Our research indicates he was likely thinking of the lake near his home when it happened. Out of respect for his sacrifice, the President will not attend his funeral, nor will he allow pictures to be taken of his coffin."