This Week In the News

This week, President Bush travels to Latin America on a diplomatic journey aimed at countering the recent leftward shift in that region. While US policy in the region has generally focused on free trade deals and drug interdiction, the President will now focus his efforts on cooperative projects aimed at alleviating the massive poverty many attribute to free trade agreements. In a break from his past, the President is also suspected to support trade deals that protect workers rights. Commenting on the Adminstration's apparent shift, Kevin Shreeveboot of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce (Louisiana Chapter) snapped, "Sweet Mary in a bottle. For twenty years we have preached the gospel of low wage offshore manufacturing as a hedge against having to share profits with US workers ... I mean as a way of achieving greater eeee-fficiency. Now a a Ree -pub-lican President is going over to Latin America with his arms wide open just 'cuz they elected a bunch of socialists.... the end is near my friends. I'll tell you what. Tell you what's gonna happen is we are goin' to sign some trade deals talkin' 'bout workers rights and such all and then we gonna have them UAW boys, and them Teamsters, and them hook nosed boys from the needle trades down heya talkin' 'bout healthcare and livin' wages and such.... That boy done gone and lost it. " *

This week, (ok last week) Massachusett's Governor Mitt Romney's presidential bid took a blow when a Powerpoint presentation prepared by one of his advisors was leaked to the press. Among other things, the presentation indicated that Romney's hair was "too perfect" and that his campaign should focus on "attacking European style socialism" and its "emblem Hillary Clinton." (real quotes). Defending the accusation that his campaign was based on superficialities and the lowest grade of bigoted nationalism, Romney was quick to defend his strategy: "I have no comment on my hair, being somewhat a fan of it. As to Euro socialism, I am confident that American voters will reject lowering ourselves to European standards." Asked to elaborate, Romney said "You know, in Europe its all lower than us. Lower infant mortality rates. Lower crime rates. Lower dropout rates. Lower levels of poverty. Lower incidence of death at an early age. Lower military spending. Lower defecits. The list goes on...."

This week,conservative trainwreck Ann Coulter called Democrat John Edwards a faggot. While many saw this as a desperate bomb thrown by a women confronting the end of her fifteen minutes of fame, others saw the beginnings of a perennial conservative attempt to out macho the Democratic field. Said Democratic strategist Tom Selby, "This is the just the beginning of a long campaign to make the GOP candidate appear uber masculine and the Democratic candidate seem like a prissy, effeminate, over intellectualized fairy. Remember this is the party that convinced America that a draft dodger was better able to defend our country than a decorated combat veteran." Ever curious TWN asked each of the Democratic candidates what maneuvers they planned to guard against a Republican onslaught of fake masculinity. Their answers appear below:

John Edwards -- "Basically piracy. Not stealing stuff, but being more like
an actual pirate. I plan to add some "arrghs" and other pirate
lingo to my speeches, As in "Avast maties there are two
Americas...Argghhh. And "Shiver me timbers there are 47 million without
healthcare. Arrrgh." Come October an unexplained accident will cause me to
don an eyepatch I think it has real possibilities."

Hillary Clinton -- "The American people already view me as more masculine than any twentieth century President, so I view this as a non issue. Non the less, I did respond to an internet ad that said I could add three inches of girth to my ...campaign staff."

Barak Obama -- Luckily I am blessed with the stereotypes that many
already apply to my race. I plan to depend on the perception of black men
as dangerous and strangely sexually potent. I figure that gets me by
Giuliani at least.

Al Gore-- Well stop writing books and making documentaries for one thing. More act now think later stuff. Be less articulate. More non verbal. If that doesn't take, I will adopt some hyper macho persona. W and Reagan had that fake cowboy thing. Maybe I will be like .. a motorcycle guy. Talk a lot about flushing the radiator in the middle east or leaning on the throttle
with the Russians. I'll tell Congres to slip it into gear. Pictures of
me all greasy. And wearing chaps. There is a demographic for the
chaps. People will love this. "

* Some commentators say that a subtext to Bush's journey is to create a rivalry between Brazil' s leftist President Lula DeSilva and Venezuala's leftist President Hugo Chavez. Bush plans to spend time with Mr. DeSilva touring Brazil and Chavez is planning a "counter tour" to coincide with Bush' visit. Apparently Lula and Hugo see themselves as rivals for Top Dog in South America. If this is true, than the Administration is showing twice the diplomatic guile than it has exhibited in all of the last six years.