This Week in the News

• Last week, Attorney General Alberto "Fredo" Gonzalez gave testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee on his role in the firing of some 8 US attorneys. During his testimony, Gonzalez repeated the phrase " I don't recall" some 74 times and his testimony was roundly criticized by Democrats and Republicans alike. (Even Republican Senators Specter, Coburn and Sessions called for his resignation). Ganzalez' sad and dissembling spectacle, however, seemed to play well in the White House, where the President told reporters that Gonzalez' performance "increased my confidence in his ability to do the job." (real quote from the President). Asked what so inspired the President, Press Secretary Perino said that Gonzalez "answered honestly, truthfully and was as responsive to Congress as he could possibly be during hours of testimony..." (real quote). In others words, the President is proud that Gonzalez did not perjure himself. Perino continued: "we are trying to set the bar low for our last two years. Try not to commit felonies. Baby steps. baby steps....."
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  This week, (ok last) the Roman Catholic Church did away with the concept of Limbo. Limbo was the spiritual equivalent of a holding cell where the souls of children who died unbaptized were kept -- not the minimum security paradise of Heaven, but certainly not the gritty gen pop of Hell either. According to the Vatican, current residents of Limbo will be given vouchers for an eternity in Heaven as spaces become available. The vouchers can also be used for a long weekend at Caesar's' Atlantic City. Once Limbo is entirely depopulated, god is rumored to be in talks with the developers of luxury golf condominiums. According to Pope Benedict XVI, "We think potential buyers will realize what dead infants knew for years. It is as close to heaven as you can get without swallowing a lot of dogmatic palaver. Think of it like Georgetown in the 70s or Tribeca in the early 90s."
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  This week, Congress continued to hold hearings on the death of Army Ranger Pat Tillman and the capture and rescue of Army Pvt Jessica Lynch. More precisely, Congress is trying to discover why the Administration deliberately withheld some information about each situation, exaggerated certain details about each situation, and simply made up other parts of the stories. Notably, Congress is not investigating why the Administration's lies were repeated over and over again by some of the most respected news outlets in America. What would such an investigation uncover? To find out we asked Mikey Keygrip, V.P of News, Entertainment and Action Figures at CBS: "You have to understand, back in the 1960s you had news organizations that hired people called journalists. Well now those news organizations turned into the 'entertainment divisions' of 'media companies.' They stopped hiring dodgy old journalists and started hiring 'news personalities' with killer smiles and simply awesome hair. These folks didn't want to report what happened, when and why, because that can be pretty boring or depressing. Instead, we provide 'content' that both entertains and fulfills every American's god given right to feel just great about themselves. That means more heroes and more flags and not so much bodybags and screw ups."
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  This week, another installment of stupid god tricks. As many of you know, the family of Army Ranger Pat Tillman is very upset that they were lied to about the circumstances of their son's death in Afghanistan. While some would think the Tillmans' anger is driven by the deceit of their own government, Army Battalion Commander Jeff Kauzlarich, who commanded Tillman, has another explanation. Seems the Tillmans' anger comes not from being lied to, but from the fact that they do not believe in God. As Kauzlarich told ESPN, the Tillmans rage is caused by the fact that they are not Christian, if they were Christian, Kauzlarich said, the Tillmans would be blessed with serenity that would allow them to put their son to rest and ignore the abuses of their government. Asked about Kauzlarich's theory, Mary Tillman, the salty matriarch of Tillman clan, did confirm that her family does not practice any religion because "every time you walk into a church you meet some f--kwit like Jeff Kauzlarich."
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  This week, an actual zinger from an elected official. When V.P. Dick Cheney lambasted him for telling the President that the military battle in Iraq was lost, Sen Harry Reid (D Nev) responded that he felt no need to "debate a man with an approval rating of eight." Harry Reid ladies and gentlemen. He'll be here all week. Tip your waiter....
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  This week, the government's Office of Special Counsel announced that it is combining three probes into the behavior of Presidential advisor Karl Rove into on omnibus investigation of his 1) violations of the Hatch Act, 2) use of private e-mail to avoid record maintenance policies applicable to the White House and 3) Rove's role in the firing of US. Attorney David Iglesias allegedly for refusing to indict a Democratic lawmaker. Republican legislators had their collective knickers in a bunch over the possibility of prolonged hearings to be used for political ends. Said Alabama Republican Jess Sessions, "Time was special prosecutors were only used for really important things like determining if the President's Johnson was waxed and whether he should have disclosed said waxing in a lawsuit. Now someone destroys some documents and manipulates the judicial system and everyone is all like .... ooooh let's have a hearing. Shoot. makes me sick just to think about it..."