This Week In the News

This week, news from the world of fashion. It seems Tommy Hilfiger, the fashion brand known for its colorful take on preppy staples, is literally filthy rich. More precisely, Hilfinger recently fired its entire New York cleaining crew,(each of whom made $19/hr) and hired another crew (each of whom makes $8/hr). Reached for comment Sonny Rollins, a Vice President at APAX Partners (who bought Hilfiger recently) noted, "Listen, this brand has net sales of a mere $85 million a year, we bought it for $1.4 billion Tommy [Hilfiger] got $66 million of that plus another $14.5 million a year as a consultant. How are we supposed to sell people clothes that make it look like they prepped at Milton and summer in Newport when we are shelling out $40,000 a year to a janitor? Our brand is about creating the appearance of prosperity, not creating actual prosperity. Except for us. For us it is definetley about actual prosperity. Which is another reason we ain't payin' no broom pusher 19 bones an hour."

This week, GOP presidential candidates had a televised debate. The upshot: they are all just like Ronald Reagan, all of them hate terrorism, don't mind torture,* just love the USA in gushy, sentimental and calculated ways, and hate taxes. Oh. And Rudy Giuliani was the mayor of NYC on 9/11. (He mentioned that few times.) On the tax point, the proclamations of Sen John McCain were particularly pathetic. In 2000, McCain told anyone who would listen (including Tim Russert) that he disagreed with cutting taxes and in fact, believed that any projected budget surplus should be used to pay down the defecit and invest in social security. Now he bloviates that further tax cuts are needed to stimulate the economy and shrink federal spending. We caught up with McCain just as he was hopping aboard his magical candor car, The Straight Talk Express. As always, the bus' innate truth telling powers cast a spell on the Senator from Arizona: "Oh sure we talk about stimulating the economy and such, but the bottom line is greed. After 20 years of tax cut fever, the American people do not like the idea that they have to pay for anything, or worse that they may pay for something that benefits someone other than themselves. We have been overindulged and now resemble fat and spoiled children, cranky at the least notion of sacrifice. So that's what I gotta work with." As we left McCain to his reverie, we were reminded by a rather burly aide that the Senator's remarks were "so off the record you cannot even see the record from where he made them. SeewhatImean?"

Notably absent from the recent Republican debates has been any recognition that the current President is actually a Republican. While many pundits assume the current crop of GOP hopefuls is trying to distance themselves from W, TWN found out otherwise. While visiting the men's rooms of the Colombia, SC airport, our reporter came across a discarded memo from the President addressed to the candidates. Titled, "Secrets to My Suces[sic]" the handwritten memo offered the following advice:

Be goddy. Invoke prayer and Bible. Old Testament only. New Testament
too liberal.

Repeat often that government is the problem not the solution. Reinforce message with extraordinary acts of incompetence.

Repeat often that government spends too much money. Reinforce message with no bid contracts to political contributors.

When confronted with inconvenient facts, squint.

There is a fine line between having "resolve" and having "your head up your
ass." Results are same either way.

Cultivate family friends into big money and fancy jobs. People will assume you were good at something at sometime.

Pick obscure quasi moral issue like abstinence or stem cell research. Act like it is actually important. Rovester calls this "wedge issue."

Visit with Republican base often. No sharp objects in visiting rooms. Bring marbles and other shiny things.

Remember, Europe is filled with people who want to avoid war and give everybody health insurance. Keep your distance.

The middle east and central asia have lots of different people and cultures in them. None of them like us, so don't bother trying to figure it out.

That Presidential Daily Briefing sometimes has important sh-t in it.

Avoid events where you read to young children. In my experience, bad things will happen.

This week, former Wisconsin Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Tommy Thompson proclaimed tha the US' Healthcare system is "the absolute best in the world." (real quote) Thompson appears to be one of the few people who think so as the Commonwealth Institute this week issued a report indicating that when the quality of care received by middle income citizens is examined, the US ranks last among Great Britain, Germany, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Interestingly, Canada, which placed fifth, spends half as much per capita on healthcare but delivers more service to majority of its citizens. Apprised of the study Thompson explained, "Obviously when I talk about healthcare, education or just about anything else, I am not talking about the experience of ordinary Americans, but the experience of privileged folks like me. And let me tell you, we have fabulous healthcare, education, golf courses and other stuff. If you want to be privileged, this is the country to be privileged in. "

*In all fairness, McCain was the exception here. McCain openly said that torture was ineffective and probably not a great policy for the US to follow. Everyone else was in Jack Bauer land, virtually busting through their codpieces to tell Americans how willing they were to do virtually anything to some dark skinned fellow tied to a chair. Such remarkable courage on display....