This Week In The News

This week Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that she will use Canadian singer Celine Dion's "You and I" as her campaign song. While many disaparaged the choice as another example of the Senator choosing the lowest common denominator, Clinton campaign strategists were basking in what they see as a stroke of genius. Said Clinton Aide Lenny Foxton, "The fact that we have chosen the musical equivalent of cheez whiz fits into our general theme of inoffensiveness. Some people say 'Hillary. She is a Lightening Rod.' We want them to say 'Hillary. Why she is comforting just like elevator music. She fits right in.' We like to think of ourselves as the campaign that is all things to all people, the campaign with no sharp edges."

This week, Rudy Giuliani's bid to become the GOP nominee for President took a hit when the Chairman of his South Carolina commitee, Thomas Ravenel, was indicted for cocaine distribution. While this may have been a pox on the campaign of the former federal prosecutor, Giuliani's campaign appeared to use the indictment as an opportunity to present a less buttoned down version of the Mayor. Said aide Diane Hooverit: "Listen, this is a guy who used to Mayor of a major Snowbelt city. So when he has to go down and shake the hands of a bunch of cockfight afficianados, unreconstructed confederates and inbred tobacco heirs, it is not surprising he wants the company of a man who can order up some decent blow. I mean, a man's gotta live. He ain't no Mitt Romney. " Asked if she could use any other stereotypes for Southerners, Hooverit promised to check and report back.

This week, Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to abolish the National Archives and Records Adminstration, a federal agency he has battled over his refusal to turn over various documents in complaince with federal law. Since early 2002, Cheney has refused to divulge various bits of information such as the identity of energy industry executives he meets with, the cost of his travel, and the identities of visitors to his office. While critics have painted this as yet another example of Cheney's penchant for secrecy, Vice himself defended his actions by arguing he is not really part of the Executive Branch and therefore not covered by the laws in question. Cheney refused to reveal what branch of government he actually works for, snarling, "Bet you'd love to know wouldn't ya and tell all your Al Queada buddies in the liberal media..."

This week, media titan Rupert Murdoch continued negotiations aimed at taking over the Wall Street Journal , now owned by the Dow Jones Corporation. Murdoch, whose other papers include right wing tabloids in the US and Great Britain as well as the conservative Fox News is apparently arguing over the level of editorial control he will exercise over a the WSJ should his bid be successful. While parties to the negotiations would not be specific, apparently the following editorial proposals have caused a stir in the venerable financial paper: 1) a weekly pinup entitled the "Bull Market Baby" 2) a proposal for the Republican Party to pay for the advertsing space on the editorial page it now gets for free; 3) renaming the "Personal Journal" section "Cool Things to Do So People Know you Are Rich" and 4) a proposal to reduce by at least 40% the number of facts and statistics included in the paper on a daily basis. While Murdoch insisted that his proposals were non negotiable, he did suggest number four could be "phased in as the educational level of our readership drops."