This Week in the News

This week, two inmates, a Christian and a Jew, at a federal prison in upstate New York filed a lawsuit alleging their religious freedom was abridged by a new Department of Corrections policy that prevents prison chaplains from stocking books that are not on an approved list of 150 texts. The result has been the wholesale gutting of popular Christian, Jewish and Muslim works from prison chapels. The Department of Corrections contends that their policy, "The Standardized Chapel Library Project", is aimed at decreasing prisoners' access to materials that may inspire radical beliefs. Asked if that position was not at odds with the Administration's belief in faith based solutions, a DOC spokeswoman Tali Ban noted, "Listen this government is all about religion. As long as it is a lot like our religion and not the type of religion that would make anyone angry with us." After exiting the briefing room, Ms. Ban returned moments later and sheepishly said, Oh... I almost forgot ... 9/11. We are supposed to mention that at every press briefing. "

This week, President Bush took to the airwaves to sell his continuing surge to the American people. Although General Patreus and Ambassador Crocker that few of the benchmarks sent by the Administration had been met, the President asked for the continued indulgence of the American people in exchange for a token troop reduction. Asked how he can continue his occupation with a straight face, Mr. Bush immediately consulted his "Book of Tough Talk, Resolute Sayings and Sentimental Nostalgia. " Questioned as to efficacy of that particular text, the President responded, 'Are you kidding this stuff works like a charm. 'Specially with those Greatest Generation types..."

This week, Osama Bid Laden released yet another videotape of himself preaching venom. The tape served as an unfortunate reminder that six years after the fact, the perpetrator of 9/11 remains at large, and his organization is resurgent. TWN's sources indicate that the videotape has caused some consternation within the West Wing, According to one anonymous source, "we [the adminstration' are kind of in pickle. On the one hand we like to drag out Osama to scare the bejesus out of people. On the other hand we don't like to remind people that we are all bottled up in Iraq while the real enemey is running around the Pakistani border, apparently with a portable dialysis machine in tow. We are having a brainstorming session this week with the title, Osama: Blackeye or Useful Icon?"