This Week In The News
This week the White House Office of Drug Policy issued its annual report on drug use in America. Use of recreational drugs remained steady, with 9.8% of American reporting they used an illegal narcotic in the last month. About 15 million Americans reported using marijuana, while 8 million Americans used other drugs. The survey showed a statistically significant increase in the use of of hullicinogens like LSD and Ecstasy. The ODP concluded the report by saying they will begin a push to alert Americans about the dangers of hallucinogens... as soon as they find some.
This week, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) issued a pessimistic report on US progress in Iraq. According to the report, while violence has decreased around Iraq's capital city it has flared up elsewhere in the country with increased attacks among rival militias in the South and attacks on previously ignored sects in the North. The GAO's report comes on the heels of a National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) that also suggests states that violence is increasing. This month, General David Petraeus is expected to deliver a progress report to Congress. According to White House sources, that report will be largely written by V.P. Dick Cheney and large portions have already be drafted. TWN was able to procure the first pages of the Report, it begins, "Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...."
This week, the President travelled to Australia where he reiterated his position tha the US would not agree to cut its carbon emissions unless China did as well. According to the President it would be unfair to allow China to pollute while making the US cut back on its carbon emissions. In other news, the President announced that he will not go to bed at 9:30 as long as Dick Cheney is allowed to stay up until 10:00. The President further noted that if China told him to jump off a bridge he just might do it.
This week, Senator/Actor/Lobbyist Fred Thompson announced that he is in fact running for President. In early speeches, Thompson indicated that he hopes to assume the mantle of Ronald Reagan and thus win the allegiance of true conservatives. In the tradition of Reagan, Thompson announced that he will promise to shrink government while actually ballooning its size, preach fiscal restraint while building a record budget deficit, talk about family values after leaving the mother of his children for another woman, and fund foreign terrorists while denying that you are funding foreign terrorists. Thompson also promised to do all these things in a plain- spoken-dewy-eyed-fake-cowboy-type of way that makes people feel swell. In a streak of maverick independence, however, Thompson would not commit on the issue of Bryl Creme.
This week, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) issued a pessimistic report on US progress in Iraq. According to the report, while violence has decreased around Iraq's capital city it has flared up elsewhere in the country with increased attacks among rival militias in the South and attacks on previously ignored sects in the North. The GAO's report comes on the heels of a National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) that also suggests states that violence is increasing. This month, General David Petraeus is expected to deliver a progress report to Congress. According to White House sources, that report will be largely written by V.P. Dick Cheney and large portions have already be drafted. TWN was able to procure the first pages of the Report, it begins, "Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste...."
This week, the President travelled to Australia where he reiterated his position tha the US would not agree to cut its carbon emissions unless China did as well. According to the President it would be unfair to allow China to pollute while making the US cut back on its carbon emissions. In other news, the President announced that he will not go to bed at 9:30 as long as Dick Cheney is allowed to stay up until 10:00. The President further noted that if China told him to jump off a bridge he just might do it.
This week, Senator/Actor/Lobbyist Fred Thompson announced that he is in fact running for President. In early speeches, Thompson indicated that he hopes to assume the mantle of Ronald Reagan and thus win the allegiance of true conservatives. In the tradition of Reagan, Thompson announced that he will promise to shrink government while actually ballooning its size, preach fiscal restraint while building a record budget deficit, talk about family values after leaving the mother of his children for another woman, and fund foreign terrorists while denying that you are funding foreign terrorists. Thompson also promised to do all these things in a plain- spoken-dewy-eyed-fake-cowboy-type of way that makes people feel swell. In a streak of maverick independence, however, Thompson would not commit on the issue of Bryl Creme.
posted by Jack Reed at 11:33 AM
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