This Week In The News
This week, former Peruvian President Alberto Fujjimora was sentenced to six years in prison for directing the destruction of evidence in a corruption probe against him. Fujjimora still faces charges stemming from his alleged abuses of power during his campaign against left wing insurgents in 1990s. Asked for comment on the fate of the US' former ally, President Bush commented, "Lemme get this straight. 'Berto destroys some videotapes and orders the deaths of some insurgents? And now he is being tried as a criminal in a Peruvian Court? Tell you what... damn glad I'm an American. Unless it involves the sexy stuff, we generally skip all that accountability/rule of law claptrap."
This week, Secretary of of State Condelezza Rice announced that she intends to appoint Paul Wolfowitz to a government panel on nuclear proliferation. Wolfowitz, the former Undersecretary of Defense, was widely viewed as one architect of the Iraq Invasion. He recently lost his job as head of the World Bank amid a scandal involving pay raises given to his lover. Commenting on the appointment Rice's spokesperson said, "We are always trying to match skill sets with positions. Having triggered an unjustified and bloody war and then making a muck at the World Bank, we thought we needed to move Wolfie somewhere where he couldn't do any harm. Keep in mind, he will not actually handle nuclear weapons, just develop rationales for making more of them and deploying them all over the world."
This week, GOP candidates for the presidency will attend their last debate before the Iowa Caucuses, The candidates most important squabble seems to be about the legality of waterboarding. While the suit known as Romney, Duncan Hunter and Rudy Giuliani favor the practice, Sen. John McCain and Rep. Ron Paul term it torture. Sensing that they have found a hot button issues, the candidates have expanded on the theme. Rep. Hunter now regularly castigates his rivals for being "Too afraid to skin a man alive if he crosses the border illegally." Gov. Romney now urges all the candidates to take a pledge to "Love America enough to strip its citizens of their liberty." Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani is pointing out that his rivals "are insufficiently patriotic to find a blowtorch and a pair of pliers and get medieval with the staff of the UN General Assembly." Noted one campaign aide, "Its a gamble, but we think irrationally punitive has at least one more season left in it. We can accessorize it and call it "telling it like it is."
This week, as the Iowa Caucuses approach, Democrat Hillary Clinton has found support for her bid in an uncommon forum. They call themselves "Hillarsexuals" or "Hags" and they are men, and a few women, with an uncommon sexual attraction to the junior Senator from New York. Many of them have pledged their time and money to have the focus of their sexual ardor elected President. A sampling of some traffic from the the chatroom, "DASH" (Dreaming About Sex with Hillary") confirms the wide sweep of the eros surrounding the former first lady:
This week, the CIA announced that it had destroyed a videotape of an interrogation with a suspected Muslim Jihadist. The tape allegedly contained evidence of torture and was ordered to be preserved by the US Congress. Ordered to give an explanation, CIA Director Porter Goss arived on Capital Hill wearing low slung baggy jeans, oversized Timberland boots a hoody and sporting agold tooth. Goss told the House Armed Services Commitee:
I'm an educated fool with money on my mind/
Got my 10 in my hand and the green in my eye/
Im a loced-out gangsta set-trippin banger/
And my homiez is down, so dont arouse my anger, fool/
Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
This week, Secretary of of State Condelezza Rice announced that she intends to appoint Paul Wolfowitz to a government panel on nuclear proliferation. Wolfowitz, the former Undersecretary of Defense, was widely viewed as one architect of the Iraq Invasion. He recently lost his job as head of the World Bank amid a scandal involving pay raises given to his lover. Commenting on the appointment Rice's spokesperson said, "We are always trying to match skill sets with positions. Having triggered an unjustified and bloody war and then making a muck at the World Bank, we thought we needed to move Wolfie somewhere where he couldn't do any harm. Keep in mind, he will not actually handle nuclear weapons, just develop rationales for making more of them and deploying them all over the world."
This week, GOP candidates for the presidency will attend their last debate before the Iowa Caucuses, The candidates most important squabble seems to be about the legality of waterboarding. While the suit known as Romney, Duncan Hunter and Rudy Giuliani favor the practice, Sen. John McCain and Rep. Ron Paul term it torture. Sensing that they have found a hot button issues, the candidates have expanded on the theme. Rep. Hunter now regularly castigates his rivals for being "Too afraid to skin a man alive if he crosses the border illegally." Gov. Romney now urges all the candidates to take a pledge to "Love America enough to strip its citizens of their liberty." Not to be outdone, Rudy Giuliani is pointing out that his rivals "are insufficiently patriotic to find a blowtorch and a pair of pliers and get medieval with the staff of the UN General Assembly." Noted one campaign aide, "Its a gamble, but we think irrationally punitive has at least one more season left in it. We can accessorize it and call it "telling it like it is."
This week, as the Iowa Caucuses approach, Democrat Hillary Clinton has found support for her bid in an uncommon forum. They call themselves "Hillarsexuals" or "Hags" and they are men, and a few women, with an uncommon sexual attraction to the junior Senator from New York. Many of them have pledged their time and money to have the focus of their sexual ardor elected President. A sampling of some traffic from the the chatroom, "DASH" (Dreaming About Sex with Hillary") confirms the wide sweep of the eros surrounding the former first lady:
"she wears her relentless competence like a a perfumed teddy'." -- Mike, from Poughkeepsie, NY
"the cankles mean she will just kick me harder and longer." -- Paula, from East Rutherford, NJ.
"the smile says Hanes Her Way, but her eyes say Victoria Secret" -- Candace from Des Moines, IA
"could you imagine pulling an all nighter in the West Wing talking farm subsidies, but then the fire sprinklers go off and we both get soaked and start laughing.... " Alex from Sioux Falls, SD.
"Let's just say my dreams include a fire in the fireplace, candles on the table, and black Nicole Miller pantsuit crumpled on the floor..." Sandra, from Whitefish Bay, WI.
"You can so tell Richardson is one of us. He is always pulling his bad boy Mexican routine around her..." Paul, from Santa Fe NM.
'I'll put a fake country club smile on her botox infected face..." J. Edwards, Chapel Hill, NC
"I always thought she was a bit of an automaton, but the light freckles in her modest cleavage intoxicate me." Mormonman, from Springfield, MA.
"To me nothing beats 1997. A woman scorned. Alone. Woefully undersexed and painfully under subpoena. I could have eaten her up with chocolate sauce. " Bubba, Massepequa, NY
This week, the CIA announced that it had destroyed a videotape of an interrogation with a suspected Muslim Jihadist. The tape allegedly contained evidence of torture and was ordered to be preserved by the US Congress. Ordered to give an explanation, CIA Director Porter Goss arived on Capital Hill wearing low slung baggy jeans, oversized Timberland boots a hoody and sporting agold tooth. Goss told the House Armed Services Commitee:
I'm an educated fool with money on my mind/
Got my 10 in my hand and the green in my eye/
Im a loced-out gangsta set-trippin banger/
And my homiez is down, so dont arouse my anger, fool/
Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise
posted by Jack Reed at 1:18 PM
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