This Week In The News

This week, the President visited Africa and received the warm greeting he usually receives in countries with low literacy rates. But behind the scenes, the President is busy working on his legacy. In College Station, TX, a group of Bush supporters is interviewing candidates for the Director's position at the Bush Presidential Library. While the proceedings are kept confidential, TWN learned tha each candidate had to write an essay in defense of the President's historic standing or explaining their strenths as a spokesperson for the soon to be be ex President. By posing as a slightly overweight desk clerk at the College Station Travel Lodge, TWN was able to procure snippets from the essays. We reprint them below:
"

I can say 'Humanitarian Legacy' over and over without laughing.
"The term 'worst' is pretty subjective..."
"The Department of Interior was not for sale. It is more like a rent to own policy. "
'History will show that more countries with nuclear weapons is a good thing...."
"It is possible that preemptive war is completely consistent with the President's alleged Christianity."
"The response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrated the President's compassion..."
"As long as the Vice President believes it, it is not a lie."

This week, Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama continued their quest for the democratic nomination. While polls show either candidate defeating a Republican in November, the WSJ reports that some Democratic strategists are concerned that blue collar white males may defect to Sen. John McCain. According to one strategist, the sensitive egos of this group make them a volatile demographic. Ever curious, TWN went to Rusty's Inn in Saginaw Michigan, a once proud blue collar watering hole in a once proud manufacturing center. We asked Sam Brewster, 62 about the Democrats' concerns. His response: "Demographic?? demo - fucking-graphic.?!!! We didn't use to be a demographic. We were it. The whole thing. The whole pie. Didn't matter if you wanted to win an election or sell televisions, you had to go through white guys like me. Everywhere you looked -- we ran the show. We decided what was funny, acceptable, good and bad. We walked around like we had bowling balls between our legs. Now my wife makes more money than me. Some black guy might be president, my kids treat me like I'm in a history museum, and you say I am just another demo-goddamn-graphic. " Brewster then took a pull from his beer and began to sing,"Boy the way Glen Miller played...."

This week, Sen. John McCain defended himself against reports that he had an adulterous affair with a taut-faced lobbyist whose clients McCain later helped. While the news story was initially percieved as hurtful to the Senator's chances, Americans slowly began doing the math. At the time of the alleged affair, McCain was 64 and his brassy paramour was 38. This fact immediatley endeared McCain to an entirely new constituency and the McCain campaign was quick to react. Immediately, McCain's campaign bus was renamed the "Straight Stalk Express" and Republicans introducing McCain at campaign events began addressing him as the future "Superfreak in Chief." McCain now takes the stage to jazzy saxophone riffs instead of his usual theme music. Even Rush Limbaugh was quick to note that "it appears McCain has been screwing special interest lobbyists -- or at least one of them -- since at least 1999."