This Week in the News

This week, Director of National Intelligence Mike McConnell told Congress that Al Queda had greatly improved it ability to launch a strike in the US. According to McConnell, from its shelter in Pakistan the group had recruited a new generation leaders and trained a new set of terrorists recruited from the West. Asked if the Administration's War on Terror, detention camps, renditions, wiretaps or invasion of Iraq had any deterrant effect at all, McConnell would only answer, "It appears to have kept various Senior Officials very busy coming up for code names for things, color coding stuff, calling Blackwater, visiting secure locations and strutting. You can't discount that. I mean with this crew, idle hands...."

This week, President Bush delivered his budget to Congress. The budget increases military spending, cuts funding for numerous social programs by $474 billion, and adds $547 billion to the country's current budget defecit over five years. Asked why he presented such a ham handed attempt as his last presidential budget, the President responded, "Its the legacy thing. See, when the historicizers try to come up with your legacy, they compare you to other Presidents. This is just my way of making sure no one gets a running start on me. A little hard to get out of the blocks with an occupation to fight, a deficit to level, and a recession in full bloom. Yeah. Try to get Barak's face on Mount Rushmore with that ... see if Hillary can be a 'change agent' when you can't pay for postage stamps let alone food stamps... Uh huh. Welcome to Shitsville... Mayor ... You."

This week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) convened in Washington. Upon news that the Suit Known as Romney was dropping his presidential bid, Sen. John McCain prepared a charm offensive in an attempt to win back conservative voters. Eschewing a typical speech, McCain and his staff presented a video reflecting each of the candidates conservative attributes. The video was complete with musical highlights and the audience cheered as McCain was seen leading a one man invasion of Iran to the beat of the Village People's "Macho Man." McCain was shown handing out tax cut after tax cut while wearing a sidewise baseball cap to the tune of Madonna's "Material World". The Senator slahed social spending as he lipped synched Bush's "He a Loser Baby [So Why Don't You Kill Him]" and tearing up Roe v Wade as he sang along with "Bess.... Youse My Woman Now." In another frame, McCain gutted the Environmental Protection Agency and the Securities and Exchange Commission with a submachine gun accompnaied by Coolio's "Gangtsa Paradise." McCain ended the video by strutting across the frame to AC/DC's "Big Balls." Said one CPAC delegate, 'I loved it [the video]. But I was a little worried until that last part. I mean, with all the music and stuff I thought for a minute that he might be a little light in the loafer "