This Week In The News
This week, the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law banning the sale of sex toys. The Court concluded that the law violated citizens' basic right to privacy. Interestingly, proponents of the Texas law did not argue that the sex toys were, in and of themselves, evil. Rather, lawyers for the State of Texas argued that sex toys, "spread the myth that individuals can attain sexual satisfaction without at least picking up the dinner check, laughing at some bad jokes, treating a total loser like a hero, siding with your girlfriend against her evil boss, getting a grown up haircut or being nice to your mother in law. If children were allowed access to sex toys, they would enter the world woefully under prepared and set up for almost certain disappointment. In the hands of adults, sex toys could end dating as we know it. Pretty soon, getting ready for a date would mean locking the door and plugging in the recharger. It would spell the end of moderately priced Italian restaurants, zinfandels, sportcoats, and bars without big screen televisions."
This week, Sen. Hilary Clinton picked her candidacy off the canvas and won the Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island primaries. Clinton ended Sen. Barak Obama's string of primary victories and effectively put the nomination back up for grabs. While a boon for Clinton supporters, many Democrats see Clinton's resurgence as only further complicating their choices. Noted Ed Munster of Norfolk, RI, "The thing is Clinton is a fighter and a policy wonk with no vision or ability to inspire. Obama's all about the inspiration, but couldn't fight his way out of a bar full of transvestites. Republicans and big business will jail rape that poor boy while he is trying to unite America around some big table." Apprised of Munster's concerns, Sen. Clinton laughed in a formulaic way while never breaking eye contact with her interviewer. Sen. Obama replied, " I am from Chicago and the transvestites there are pretty tough. I mean guys they have nails...."
Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that individuals harmed by a medical device cannot maintain a suit for injuries against the manufacturer. The decision comes on the heels of another decision in which the Court held that accounting firms and law firms that aided and abetted corporate fraud cannot be held liable in a suit by shareholders. Commenting on the decisions, Chief Justice John Roberts noted that both "reflect a conservative textualist reading of the Constitution and the law. Seriously...we have a plan... we don't just always favor corporations over people.... it just looks that way. "
This week, the school board in Royal Oak Michigan began discussions of a district wide drug testing program. Under the proposal, once a parent consents, their child can be randomly screened for drug use. The proposal comes in response to three heroin related deaths in the district in the last three years. Said district spokesperson, Heinrich Himmelfarb, "In our schools we teach that America is the land of the free and that government has only a limited role in people's lives. Unless it involves drugs. Then we lose all our senses and turn into some type of big brother scold. I think children need to learn to trust the State and not their own consciences don't you?"
This week, new economic data indicated that the country may well be slipping into a recession. In the wake of the continuing economic decline, The White House and Republicans have been busy finding no one to blame and have steadfastly asserted that any downturn is a result of the Mystical and Magical Market and not bad policy making. Said GOP advisor Ed Gillespie, " Some people say that the slump is the result of poor policie -- like spending $10 billion a month on a war of choice, ill timed tax cuts that ballooned our budget deficit, trade policies that gutted our manufacturing base and the middle class, an energy policy that made us beholden to oil producers, a dearth of public investment, and lax regulation in just about every market. Well it easy to throw stones. But these troubles are not -- repeat not -- the result of failed policies or failed dogma rigidly followed by one political party. In truth, we have upset the great Market Gods and must offer unto them a sacrifice of public spending and Allen Greenspan. They -- and their corporate cardinals -- must be appeased before the Great Market's bounty is again bestowed upon us ... or upon some of us at the upper end of the income distribution."
This week, Sen. Hilary Clinton picked her candidacy off the canvas and won the Texas, Ohio and Rhode Island primaries. Clinton ended Sen. Barak Obama's string of primary victories and effectively put the nomination back up for grabs. While a boon for Clinton supporters, many Democrats see Clinton's resurgence as only further complicating their choices. Noted Ed Munster of Norfolk, RI, "The thing is Clinton is a fighter and a policy wonk with no vision or ability to inspire. Obama's all about the inspiration, but couldn't fight his way out of a bar full of transvestites. Republicans and big business will jail rape that poor boy while he is trying to unite America around some big table." Apprised of Munster's concerns, Sen. Clinton laughed in a formulaic way while never breaking eye contact with her interviewer. Sen. Obama replied, " I am from Chicago and the transvestites there are pretty tough. I mean guys they have nails...."
Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that individuals harmed by a medical device cannot maintain a suit for injuries against the manufacturer. The decision comes on the heels of another decision in which the Court held that accounting firms and law firms that aided and abetted corporate fraud cannot be held liable in a suit by shareholders. Commenting on the decisions, Chief Justice John Roberts noted that both "reflect a conservative textualist reading of the Constitution and the law. Seriously...we have a plan... we don't just always favor corporations over people.... it just looks that way. "
This week, the school board in Royal Oak Michigan began discussions of a district wide drug testing program. Under the proposal, once a parent consents, their child can be randomly screened for drug use. The proposal comes in response to three heroin related deaths in the district in the last three years. Said district spokesperson, Heinrich Himmelfarb, "In our schools we teach that America is the land of the free and that government has only a limited role in people's lives. Unless it involves drugs. Then we lose all our senses and turn into some type of big brother scold. I think children need to learn to trust the State and not their own consciences don't you?"
This week, new economic data indicated that the country may well be slipping into a recession. In the wake of the continuing economic decline, The White House and Republicans have been busy finding no one to blame and have steadfastly asserted that any downturn is a result of the Mystical and Magical Market and not bad policy making. Said GOP advisor Ed Gillespie, " Some people say that the slump is the result of poor policie -- like spending $10 billion a month on a war of choice, ill timed tax cuts that ballooned our budget deficit, trade policies that gutted our manufacturing base and the middle class, an energy policy that made us beholden to oil producers, a dearth of public investment, and lax regulation in just about every market. Well it easy to throw stones. But these troubles are not -- repeat not -- the result of failed policies or failed dogma rigidly followed by one political party. In truth, we have upset the great Market Gods and must offer unto them a sacrifice of public spending and Allen Greenspan. They -- and their corporate cardinals -- must be appeased before the Great Market's bounty is again bestowed upon us ... or upon some of us at the upper end of the income distribution."
posted by Jack Reed at 10:44 AM
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