This Week In the News

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  This week, Under Secretary of State Christopher Hill announced that North Korea would agree to halt its nuclear program in exchange for a package of aid (mostly heating oil) from six countries and a promise that the US would negotiate a "normalization" of relations with North Korea. While the international community has heralded the agreement as a successful piece of multi lateral diplomacy, insiders within the Bush White House were skeptical. Said one Senior Aide, "Lemme get this straight. We sat down with a bunch of countries. We gave away some stuff. They gave away some stuff. The other countries chipped in some stuff. We all agreed that we would have diplomatic ties in the future so this type of mess doesn't happen again. No 'Mission Accomplished.' No big guns. No 'the Decider.' What the hell kinda bull sh-t is that.?" Rumor has it that President Bush now will only refer to Hill as "Lil'Clinton" or "Chrissy" and has banned him from ever seeing Flity, the President's Flight Suit.
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  This week, Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama continued their joust for the title of Most Inoffensive Candidate Ever (MICE). While Clinton bobbed and weaved on Iran, Obama took a bold swing at neutralizing his African American heritage as an issue in the campaign. Realizing that many white voters will assume that he will champion a civil rights agenda, Obama took what he called the YOH! Pledge, (short for "You're OK Honky"). The pledge binds Obama to reassure white voters that no one holds them responsible for anything ... ever and perpetuate the myth that generations of slavery and Jim Crow segregation have no effect on the conditions of the black community. Noted, one Obama strategist: "Hopefully, it will pay off on election day, when white voters will not associate Barak with a bunch of uncomfortable guilt and accountability. In short, we are shameless about holding them blameless."
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  This week, yet another Marine on trial at Camp Pendleton pled guilty to charges that he kidnapped an unarmed Iraqi, murdered him and then planted evidence to make it appear as though the man was planting a roadside bomb. According to the six Marines who have pled guilty to the same crime, the Marines were upset that they could not find a particular suspected insurgent, so they decided to kill another young Iraqi in order to "send a message." According to one Marine who pled guilty, "We wanted to be all like, 'Don't mess with us.' Instead we were all like, "We will kill innocent people brutally and indiscriminately." On the up side, each Marine now has his own month in Al Queda's official Recruiting Calendar available throughout the Middle East.
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  This week, UNICEF issued a report that ranked the United States and Great Britain at the bottom of industrialized nations in measurements of child wellbeing (including child poverty, infant mortality,material well being and other categories). The study demonstrated that a country's overall wealth has little to do with the well being of their children, as many of the countries ranked above the US and Britain are relatively small economies.. Commenting on the study, Under Secretary of Health and Human Services Cruella deVille announced, "Look, I realize that it is a bit embarrassing to get our butt kicked by the Czeck Republic, but you have to understand that we are executing a different strategy with respect to child well being. Instead of raising conditions in the US, we aim to level the playing field by lowering conditions everywhere else. Through our trade policies, military interventions and manipulation of foreign aid, we intend to devastate the well being of children around the globe, thus allowing us to jump triumphantly to the top. You see, there is more than one way to skin a cat... or starve a Czeck six year old."

An update -- you may recall that last week, I reported on the White House ousting sitting U.S Attorneys and replacing them with political cronies. Turns out one of the ousted U.S. attorneys was Carol Lam of San Diego, who was active in prosecuting the corruption charges against Republican Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham. Prior to her dismissal without cause, Lam announced the indictment of a an ex CIA official on corruption charges. Let none speak the word "retaliation."