This Week in the News

This week, Attorney General Gonzalez faced calls for his resignation when it was revealed that he was acting on orders from the White House and Presidential Advisor Karl Rove when he forced the resignations of a number of US attorneys and replaced them with Republican loyalists. The rush of public criticism was blunted howoever, when Gonazalez was informed that the President planned to award him the coveted ABBA award. The ABBA (Annual Boot Boy Award) is given each year to the public servant whose blind loyalty most accomodated the President's intellectual laziness, zeal for unchecked power, and misguided policies. Past recipients include Harriet "You're the Greatest" Miers and Jonathan "The Geneva Conventions are Optional" Yoo. Said Gonzalez, "I now know that the hours of meek fealty, of intellectual indignity, false praise, and reassuring the President that the world is just as he assumes it to be have paid off. It has always been my dream to be a yes man to an ambitious yet uninspiring leader. I am proof that in America, your dreams can come true." The award comes with a handsome plaque and a year's supply of lip balm.

This week, the Vatican announced that it is investigating the work of Spain's Father Jon Sobrino, a prominent theologian. The Vatican is concerned about Sobrino's espousal of Liberation Theology, which places the struggles of the poor for social, political and economic justice at the center of Catholicim. Before he was elected Pope, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger led a drive to purge the Church of Liberation Theologists, who he believed were closet Marxists. Commenting on the purge of Fr. Sobrino, a Vatican spokeman said, "As has been the Church's history in the 20th century, we must at all time make our faith palatable to those in power, which means we cannot question the legitimacy or justice of the social order. Father Sobrino would be well cautioned forget about the Sermon on the Mount and focus on stuff Jesus never really talked about. There are plenty of onanists and homosexuals to go after."


Ever wonder who is it that pays for all the mayhem that terrorists dish out around the globe? This week, we see that Chiquita Bannana of Cincinnati, Ohio has been footing the bill for at least one terrorist group. Chiquita has admitted that they paid millions of dollars to a right wing paramilitray group, the AUC, in Colombia. The AUC has been reponsible for scores of massacres and kidnappings in Colombia and is also responsible for a portion of the cocaine leaving that country. Chicquita made the payments, which it hid on its books for years, to ensure the safe transport of bannanas out of the Colombian jungle. Aware that an alliance with terrorist cocaine traffikers could damage the corporate brand, Chiquita announced that it was retaing former SNL character Father Guido Sarducci to acts as its spokesman. Sarducci immediately released a statement saying that AUC traffics only in "talcum powder" and executes only "thosa pesky barrio dwellers who getta ina the way of international capitaleesm."

This week, Nigel Griffins, a Minister in the British government resigned his position to protest the governments decision to renew the Trident nuclear missile program. Wow. So somewhere in the world there is a government inwhich men resign their posts on principle. (I hate it when sincere acts of integrity undermine my ability to be sarcastic.)

This week, protesters clashed with police is the Russian city of St. Petersburg, home to current Russian President Vladimir Putin. The protesters were voicing their disagreement with centralizing of authority, the continued war in Chechnya and various other acts of the Russian President. Wow. So somewhere in the world there is a place inwhich people take to the streets when their government abuses its authority. Here we just blog. The weather can be so unpredictable....