This Week In The News
This week, Robert Bork -- the conservative legal academic whose failed nomination to Supreme Court galvanized conservative judicial activists -- is back in Court. No, he has not been appointed to the bench. It seems Bork, a long time advocate of tort reform and critic of personal injury lawsuits fell down and hit his head while giving a speech at New York's Yale Club. He is now suing the Club for $1million, arguing that a railing should have been in place by the podium. Asked if his lawsuit was somewhat contradictory to his past barbs against trial lawyers and the "jackpot justice,' he believes our tort system leads to Bork responded. "I will admit it is tough for me. The conservative in me hates that tort lawsuits often transfer wealth from the rich to the poor, a no no in my book. However, also as a conservative I have an abiding belief that getting paid is good and getting paid phat is even better. I guess I just can't say no to the ol' rational self interest seeker in me."
This week, rumors abounded that a senior group of Republican lawmakers were going to request that Vice President Dick Cheney step down and make way for a Vice President who would not be a liability to Republicans in the 2008 elections. Spurred by a series in the Washington Post detailing Cheney's almost unlimited influence with the President as well as his penchant for secrecy and militarism, many within the GOP are beginning to worry that Cheney is a giant albatross. Hearing the rumours, the West Wing has begun preparations for Cheney-less West Wing. According to a White House spokeperson, large maps have been placed in strategic locations so the President can find the countries he wants to bomb. Also the American Chamber of Commerce has set up daily briefings with the President so he does not forget what is good for corporate America. Lastly, the White House has begun drills inwhich all the lights in the Oval Office are turned off for two full minutes while the President practices finding his ass with both hands.
This week, one more influential Republican Senator parted ways with the White House on the Iraq war. In the face of comments by Senator Lugar the White House admitted it was time to re-tool its message on Iraq. According to a Presidential Aide, various ideas for a new White House script were thrown around, "Some folks thought we should start blaming the military for being inept and cowardly, but that message did not poll well. Also, The Onion beat us to it. Then we finally hit on "Its Up to The Iraqis" as our key slogan. Now every time someone mentions what a mess Iraq is, we can just shrug our shoulders and say "Its up to the Iraqis." The slogan works great because it implies that despite the fact that we devastated their country, unleashed sectarian warfare, opened their borders to foreign insurgents and foisted a form of government they have no experience with or desire for, its all up to the Iraqis to get themselves out of this mess. And if they can't rise to the occasion, well its not our fault. Those Iraqis ... what a bunch of sissies."
This week, Senate Republicans successfully defeated the Employee Free Choice Act, a bill that would have made it easier for American workers to form unions. The bill would have recognized a union once a majority of workers signed union cards. At present, many union drives end in elections which are often marred by threats and intimidation on the part of the employer and whose results rarely take effect due to lengthy appeals. Elated at the result, John Sowintrough, made the following comment, "In terms of this country's economic viability, by which I mean the ability of a small group to make mucho bucks, it essential we keep American workers in their current position -- uninsured, politically and economically marginalized, fearful about their future, and with no ability to control the terms of their employment. Let's face it, unless we grease the rungs on the bottom of the ladder, all sorts of people will climb up to the tree house. "
This week, as noted above, Vice President Dick Cheney's Stasi-esque love of secrecy has been a source of consternation across the narrow political spectrum that is Washington. According to many, Cheney's desire for privacy is tied to his belief that the Executive branch (of which he now admits he is a member) has massive responsibilities in protecting a nation under constant attack. TWN, however, has uncovered the truth. According to a former aide who would only speak on condition of anonymity, Cheney's cloak of darkness is not designed to hide his political mechanizations but rather to "Cover up what we call 'La Vida Dick.' The man is out of control. Between the little volcanoes of methamphetamine he uses to jump start his heart to the rolls of vintage 8mm porn he keeps in climate controlled safes to the fact that he spends days in silk pajamas blowing off rounds from banned assault rifles and smoking Swisher Sweets. There is a lot we like to keep hidden about Dick Cheney. Like all that construction in the official residence --- we installed a dental chair with restraints off the living room. I mean we had to sound proof his office so no one would know he keeps "Gangasta Paradise" playing on an endless loop. The man put the 'Vice' in Vice President and that kind of stuff does not play well with our base."
This week, the CIA released thousands of documents about the kidnappings, assassinations, illegal surveillance and drug testing it conducted during the 1970s. Dubbed the "family jewels" this set of documents reveals that the CIA played a role in the assassination of the leaders of the Congo and Dominican Republic, colluded with the Mafia in attempt to kill Fidel Castro, routinely opened private mail headed to the Soviet Union, spied on a Vegas showgirl at the request of a mob boss, and kept a database of over 300,000 Americans it considered subversives including journalists and critics of the Vietnam war. While the sheer volume of documents, memos, microfilms and pictures will take some time to decode, TWN sought a man on the street view. Wallace Stephens on Wheelbarrow, NY offered the following, "We are lucky here in the US that only a narrow spectrum of political opinion ever gains acceptance. And I personally relish the stability and predictability that flows from that. I would rather not know how that stability was achieved, what with spying on people and shooting people and all. Besides we are free in all the important ways. Why go down to the mall. Look at all the things you can buy."
This week, rumors abounded that a senior group of Republican lawmakers were going to request that Vice President Dick Cheney step down and make way for a Vice President who would not be a liability to Republicans in the 2008 elections. Spurred by a series in the Washington Post detailing Cheney's almost unlimited influence with the President as well as his penchant for secrecy and militarism, many within the GOP are beginning to worry that Cheney is a giant albatross. Hearing the rumours, the West Wing has begun preparations for Cheney-less West Wing. According to a White House spokeperson, large maps have been placed in strategic locations so the President can find the countries he wants to bomb. Also the American Chamber of Commerce has set up daily briefings with the President so he does not forget what is good for corporate America. Lastly, the White House has begun drills inwhich all the lights in the Oval Office are turned off for two full minutes while the President practices finding his ass with both hands.
This week, one more influential Republican Senator parted ways with the White House on the Iraq war. In the face of comments by Senator Lugar the White House admitted it was time to re-tool its message on Iraq. According to a Presidential Aide, various ideas for a new White House script were thrown around, "Some folks thought we should start blaming the military for being inept and cowardly, but that message did not poll well. Also, The Onion beat us to it. Then we finally hit on "Its Up to The Iraqis" as our key slogan. Now every time someone mentions what a mess Iraq is, we can just shrug our shoulders and say "Its up to the Iraqis." The slogan works great because it implies that despite the fact that we devastated their country, unleashed sectarian warfare, opened their borders to foreign insurgents and foisted a form of government they have no experience with or desire for, its all up to the Iraqis to get themselves out of this mess. And if they can't rise to the occasion, well its not our fault. Those Iraqis ... what a bunch of sissies."
This week, Senate Republicans successfully defeated the Employee Free Choice Act, a bill that would have made it easier for American workers to form unions. The bill would have recognized a union once a majority of workers signed union cards. At present, many union drives end in elections which are often marred by threats and intimidation on the part of the employer and whose results rarely take effect due to lengthy appeals. Elated at the result, John Sowintrough, made the following comment, "In terms of this country's economic viability, by which I mean the ability of a small group to make mucho bucks, it essential we keep American workers in their current position -- uninsured, politically and economically marginalized, fearful about their future, and with no ability to control the terms of their employment. Let's face it, unless we grease the rungs on the bottom of the ladder, all sorts of people will climb up to the tree house. "
This week, as noted above, Vice President Dick Cheney's Stasi-esque love of secrecy has been a source of consternation across the narrow political spectrum that is Washington. According to many, Cheney's desire for privacy is tied to his belief that the Executive branch (of which he now admits he is a member) has massive responsibilities in protecting a nation under constant attack. TWN, however, has uncovered the truth. According to a former aide who would only speak on condition of anonymity, Cheney's cloak of darkness is not designed to hide his political mechanizations but rather to "Cover up what we call 'La Vida Dick.' The man is out of control. Between the little volcanoes of methamphetamine he uses to jump start his heart to the rolls of vintage 8mm porn he keeps in climate controlled safes to the fact that he spends days in silk pajamas blowing off rounds from banned assault rifles and smoking Swisher Sweets. There is a lot we like to keep hidden about Dick Cheney. Like all that construction in the official residence --- we installed a dental chair with restraints off the living room. I mean we had to sound proof his office so no one would know he keeps "Gangasta Paradise" playing on an endless loop. The man put the 'Vice' in Vice President and that kind of stuff does not play well with our base."
This week, the CIA released thousands of documents about the kidnappings, assassinations, illegal surveillance and drug testing it conducted during the 1970s. Dubbed the "family jewels" this set of documents reveals that the CIA played a role in the assassination of the leaders of the Congo and Dominican Republic, colluded with the Mafia in attempt to kill Fidel Castro, routinely opened private mail headed to the Soviet Union, spied on a Vegas showgirl at the request of a mob boss, and kept a database of over 300,000 Americans it considered subversives including journalists and critics of the Vietnam war. While the sheer volume of documents, memos, microfilms and pictures will take some time to decode, TWN sought a man on the street view. Wallace Stephens on Wheelbarrow, NY offered the following, "We are lucky here in the US that only a narrow spectrum of political opinion ever gains acceptance. And I personally relish the stability and predictability that flows from that. I would rather not know how that stability was achieved, what with spying on people and shooting people and all. Besides we are free in all the important ways. Why go down to the mall. Look at all the things you can buy."
posted by Jack Reed at 10:56 AM
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