This Week In The News

This week Newt Gingrich announced that "There is a war here at home that is just as important as the war against terrorism overseas. . . . There is a war here at home, and it is even more deadly than the war in Iraq and Afghanistan." (real quote) This new war is the one against illegal immigrants, which now supplants our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan that Gingrich had previoulsy termed "World War III." Asked precisely how many wars the US could fight at one time, Gingrich noted, "Not too many more. I mean you add the War on Terror, to the War on Illegal Immigrants to the War on Drugs to the Constant Battle Against Secular Humanism to the Border Skirmish with the Homosexual Agenda to the Constant Disagreement Over Taxes and Fistfight for Free Enterprise and you start to realize just how many enemies Native Born Law and Order Heterosexual Religious Conservatives have. I mean we are under constant attack. Fortunately, its full employment for guys like me."

This week, General David Petraeus, commander of US troops in Iraq, lost a speaking gig. The White House announced that the "Progress Report" that Petraeus planned to give Congress on Iraq in September will instead be written by the White House and presented by the Secretary of State and Secretary of Defense. Petraeus will only discuss the report in private. The White House denied that they are trying to muzzle Petraeus, who recently said there was "no military solution" in Iraq. Speaking for the White House, Head Flak Tony Snow noted, "Our research indicates that having a mixed race multi gender couple deliver the news will be ultimately more palatable to the American people. I mean David is great, but he can be a little ... candid ... and stiff, also the cameras do not treat him well. He looks puffy in the face. We are hoping Condy [Rice] and Bob [Gates] can bring a little Sonny and Cher to this thing."

This week, the suit hoping to be President known as Mitt Romney castigated Barak Obama for suggesting that US air raids in Afghanistan are killing civilians. According to Romney, the statement was "disrepectful to our troops." (real quote). That same day the AP reported that US forces are, in fact, killing Afghan civilians at a higher rate than the Taliban is killing civilians. Asked if he meant to say that the truth was disrespectful of our troops, Romney replied, "Our boys and girls are over there risking their lives. The least we can do is pretend that everything is ok and that the slaughter of innocents goes unnoticed. I mean is that really too much to ask? A little cognitive sacrifice? I think not." Romney then announced that he would undergo a partial lobotomy out of respect for our troops.

This week, Presidential Advisor Karl Rove announced he will be stepping down from his post. The pioneer of "whispering campaigns" (Ann Richards is a lesbian/John McCain is crazy), and "wedge issues" (gay marriage, stem cell research) stands in a long line of Republican dirty tricksters including Lee Atwater and Roger Ailes. Rove, who made his name after being investigated for stealing the stationary of a Democratic rival as part of Richard Nixon's Committee to Re Elect the President, gave birth to George W. Bush's political career when he introduced the governor-to-be to members of the religious right in Texas. While Rove will undoubtedly find all sorts of lucre in the private sector, he will always be Turdblossom to us. We are all a bit less for his efforts.