This Week In The News

This week, Sen. John McCain, the Republican nominee for President, announced that he would not support an expanded G.I. Bill now pending before the Senate, despite his earlier statements that he supported enhanced benefits for veterans. The bill, which has 55 supporters in the Senate greatly expands educational opportunities for veterans. Sources in the Senator's office said they are concerned the new bill would incentivize soldiers to leave the military. This week, McCain also laid out an economic plan heavily reliant on the type of tax breaks that he critiziced during the Bush Administration. Contacted for comment on the Straight Talk Express, the Arizona Senator opined, "Its the base dammit. The damn Republican base. As far as they are concerned they never have enough money and we never have enough soldiers to protect it. But my friend, the answer is clear -- I think we need to decrease the sacrifice made by the wealthiest Americans and increase the sacrifices made by our soldiers." Asked if this was precisely the type of tomfoolery McCain raged against during his 2004 campaign, the candidate grew quiet and then exploded "F---k you. Get off my bus and take your damn donuts with you."

This week, Sen. Barak Obama drew criticism from accross the political spectrum for suggesting that small town voters were "bitter" about their economic fortunes and thus turned to issues like guns and religion for solace. Both Sens McCain and Clinton lambasted Sen. Obama for his "elitism." In fact, both Senators then went on a quest to demonstrate how down home they both are. Sen. McCain gave up his Episcopalian faith and proclaimed to be a snake handler and then let on that his current wife Cindy, is a not so distant relative. He then mentioned that he often treats his war wounds with "some Vicks and a touch of the 'shine." Sen. Clinton did shots with some steelworkers and then reported she is three months pregnant with the child of her husband's best friend. She plans to name the child Pabst after the brew present at the child's conception. "Take an empty trailer and a full twelve pack and look what happens..." joked the candidate. One political consultant, who refused to give her name commented, as she Bedazzled a pair of Wrangler jeans for Sen. Clinton, "Its interesting really. I don't think anyone will lose or gain any votes from this. But we will find out once and for all what white working class voters hate more: being mildly insulted or being pandered to."

This week, the NYT and other media outlets reported the fact that former attorney General Alberto "Fredo" Gonzalez has been unable to find a job with a law firm, a setback not usually faced by the nation's former top lawyers. Curious as to how a man of such unique talents and complete lack of integrity was unable to land a very lucrative position, TWN pulled some strings and was able to obtain a copy of Gonzalez' resume. Gonzalez lists as a goal, " a poition inwhich I can leverage my relationships with many contacts in the Bush Administration before they are indicted or become complete laughingstocks." He lists as his strengths "agreeability, willingness to go with the flow." Gonzalez also boast of his "knowledge of various enhanced interrogation techniques that can be used for business or recreation," and his willingness to be "treated almost like a pet by his superiors." According to sources close to him, Gonzalez is looking for positions as a "lawyer, all purpose suck up, or Token Hispanic" in that order. His resume has been circulated to blue chip Washington law firms, various car dealerships, and the Men's Warehouse.

This week, Pope Ratzinger visited the US. During an open air mass in Washington DC the Pope decried the separation of faith from politics and urged American Catholics to adopt Catholic sexual ethics, oppose abortion and take an active stance is supporting the poor and imprisoned. It is difficult to say how much weight the Pope's words will carry with American Catholics. While many support the Church's stand on social justice, they are leary of the Vatican's sexual ethics and opposition to abortion. A larger group favors the Pope on the bedroom issues but disdains the Papal messgae of social justice. Typical of this group, Tom Finnerty of Baltimore, MD noted, "Its all halfsies with me. I am all about being pro life and and anti sex, because really, no skin off my nose. Those are things other people do and its fun to call them out on it. But the whole social justice issue. I am more of a Republican Catholic. I am all for you in the womb, but once you are out. Fuggetaboutit. You are on your own, don't come lookin' to me for help. You gotta -- you know -- pull your own weight by your bootstraps or whatever."