This Week In The News

This week, Sen. John McCain took his campaign to Inez, Kentucky, the same site from which President Lyndon Johnson launched his War on Poverty. Far from conjuring Johnson's spirit, McCain assured voters that his administration would do little to help poor Americans and emphasized his belief that government can and should do little to help low income Americans. (Fittingly, in making the speech, McCain missed the opportunity to vote on a pay equity bill in the Senate.) A determined McCain told the crowd, "Friends, there are no hand outs in life. If you want something, you have to earn it. If you find yourself short of dollars, do what I did. Find and woo a rich woman, drop your current spouse and marry yourself some money. No big liberal spending program there..."

This week Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama spent time in Indiana. The Hoosier state is tough for Democrats. While successful in state and local races, only the most mild and timid Democrats ever reach federal office. Unbekownst to the candidates, we implanted mind reading chips in their lattes, that, once ingested allowed TWN to read the candidate's minds as they campaigned. From Sen. Clinton at a stop in Muncie: "Why don't these people recognize my rectitude..... gotta play up the maternal mom thing... can't offend the stay at homes... can I credibly claim to have been home schooled? Can I say we home schooled Chelsea.... how Republican can I get... remember its the '50s here.... its the '50s here...." From Sen. Barak Obama,who campaigned in Terra Haute " Crackerass, redneck, m-fers. You voted Republican for a decade because they supossedly represented your so called-values. And now your jobs are gone, you got no healthcare, and your sons and daughters are in Iraq. And you want the black guy to fix it while not offending your lilly-white-backward ass -John Birch- sensibilities. ... Audacity of Hope my ass. Audacity of My Boot Up Your Ku Klux Klan Butt is more like it...."

This week, the Republican National Commitee tipped its hand on its strategy for the 2008 campaign. The RNC announced that it had hired actor Mark Metcalf to cut some ads for Sen. John McCain. Metcalf made his mark in the 1978 hit novie "Animal House," where he played uptight fraternity president and ROTC lieutenant Doug Niedermayer who famously castigated his ROTC recruits when they dare wore a "pledge pin" on their uniform. Metcalf will supposedly reprise this role -- spittle and all -- in ads in which he asks Sen. Obama "Why don't you wear a Flag Pin on your suit!!!." Metcalf will then order an actor potraying Sen. Obama to do twenty push ups. According to an RNC spokesman, "The ads are designed to secure the GOP's identity as the party of symbolic and empty patriotism. We may live in a time of declining economic fortunes, unjustified wars and cronyism, but no one can sentimentalize and manipulate Old Glory like we can. And the lowlifes from the Delta house are not going to change that. "