This Week In The News
This week, Roman Catholic Cardinal Jorge Medina, denounced pop icon Madonna ahead of her first performance in Chile. Medina criticized Madge's "impure thoughts" and "lustful enthusiasm." The Cardinal gave his remarks during a homily in a mass commemorating (yes commemorating) the death of August Pinochet, the US backed dictator who ruled Chile from 1973-1990 and was responsible for the death of thousands of Chilean dissidents. Upon inquiry, the Catholic seminary in Chile confirmed that they do not teach a class in irony. Said seminary Rector Stephen Puffnblow, " We focus the curriculum more on creating moral credebility...stop laughing."
This week, Republican Senators defeated a $15 billion bailout bill for the domestic auto industry. After a press conference in which they denounced the elitists in the Democratic party who were out of touch with ordinary Americans, the assembled GOPers spontaneously formed a veritable conservative chorus line while they sang "We'd like to thank you Herbert Hoover/for really showing us the way..."
This week, President George W. Bush finished signing various executive orders designed to cement his legacy. Many of the orders further roll back environmental protections, protections of endangered species, and the deregulation of various industries. Asked about his sudden burst of energy, The President angrily retorted, "From the economy, to the Middle East to the environment, you aren't going to forget W any time soon. I am George W. Bush dammnit. And when I f-ck something.. its stays f-cked for a while..."
This week, the mainstream press reported on a memo released by the White House to all staffers containing talking points for discussing the Bush Administration after it leaves offices. Among the accomplishments listed in the memo are "restoring dignity to the office," and keeping Americans safe from a second 9/11 style attack. According to rumors confirmed by TWN, finding a glimmer of success for the Administration was hard. In fact, after receiving input from various departments, the West Wing was forced to delete some of its most prominent accomplishments such as "excellent hygiene," no sex in the oval office," and "only limited typos in international correspondence." According to the White House Press office, the memo was part of a larger effort to influence coverage of the President's legacy. Called "Project Who Knew?," the effort is aimed at portraying the Bush Administration as the victim of completely unforeseeable events. Examples: "Who knew that if you ignored the Army Corp of Engineers and didn't fix levees, they would break? "Who knew that if you let bankers sell securities without any idea of the risk involved,they may cause a financial collapse? "Who knew Iraq was actually composed of a bunch of fractious groups that didn't like each other and would not like us?" "Who knew you should actually take a warning in a Presidential Daily Briefing seriously?"
This week, NBC released a poll indicating that many Americans now deny voting for George W. Bush even once. Given the fervency of W's supporters in 2004, TWN hit the road to find out why so many Americans are now ashamed of their vote. In Metarie Louisiana, Bobby Fartable responded, "Dude... after his first four years, I thought he was great. I mean who knew he would be so clueless in the next four years." In Braylon, KY Tommy Escanaba noted, "As a religious man I was initially attracted to the President's strong support for life.... except for the lives of people in the Middle East ... or the lives of US servicemen, ...or the lives of the poor... or the lives of people in Louisiana." Tracy Poleax of Columbia, MO noted, "In 200 he just had that great furrowed brow look that made him look so serious and thoughtful, and he made everything look just so easy. But by 2004 all we got was the chimpy look when someone asked him a question, like he was some baboon that was shorted a banana..."
This week, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.... ohh its too easy..
This week, Republican Senators defeated a $15 billion bailout bill for the domestic auto industry. After a press conference in which they denounced the elitists in the Democratic party who were out of touch with ordinary Americans, the assembled GOPers spontaneously formed a veritable conservative chorus line while they sang "We'd like to thank you Herbert Hoover/for really showing us the way..."
This week, President George W. Bush finished signing various executive orders designed to cement his legacy. Many of the orders further roll back environmental protections, protections of endangered species, and the deregulation of various industries. Asked about his sudden burst of energy, The President angrily retorted, "From the economy, to the Middle East to the environment, you aren't going to forget W any time soon. I am George W. Bush dammnit. And when I f-ck something.. its stays f-cked for a while..."
This week, the mainstream press reported on a memo released by the White House to all staffers containing talking points for discussing the Bush Administration after it leaves offices. Among the accomplishments listed in the memo are "restoring dignity to the office," and keeping Americans safe from a second 9/11 style attack. According to rumors confirmed by TWN, finding a glimmer of success for the Administration was hard. In fact, after receiving input from various departments, the West Wing was forced to delete some of its most prominent accomplishments such as "excellent hygiene," no sex in the oval office," and "only limited typos in international correspondence." According to the White House Press office, the memo was part of a larger effort to influence coverage of the President's legacy. Called "Project Who Knew?," the effort is aimed at portraying the Bush Administration as the victim of completely unforeseeable events. Examples: "Who knew that if you ignored the Army Corp of Engineers and didn't fix levees, they would break? "Who knew that if you let bankers sell securities without any idea of the risk involved,they may cause a financial collapse? "Who knew Iraq was actually composed of a bunch of fractious groups that didn't like each other and would not like us?" "Who knew you should actually take a warning in a Presidential Daily Briefing seriously?"
This week, NBC released a poll indicating that many Americans now deny voting for George W. Bush even once. Given the fervency of W's supporters in 2004, TWN hit the road to find out why so many Americans are now ashamed of their vote. In Metarie Louisiana, Bobby Fartable responded, "Dude... after his first four years, I thought he was great. I mean who knew he would be so clueless in the next four years." In Braylon, KY Tommy Escanaba noted, "As a religious man I was initially attracted to the President's strong support for life.... except for the lives of people in the Middle East ... or the lives of US servicemen, ...or the lives of the poor... or the lives of people in Louisiana." Tracy Poleax of Columbia, MO noted, "In 200 he just had that great furrowed brow look that made him look so serious and thoughtful, and he made everything look just so easy. But by 2004 all we got was the chimpy look when someone asked him a question, like he was some baboon that was shorted a banana..."
This week, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.... ohh its too easy..
posted by Jack Reed at 4:03 PM
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