This Week in the News

This week, Representative Vito Fossella (R. NY) announced he would not seek re-election. Fossella, a conservative Republican, confessed to Virginia police that he had an out of wedlock child with his mistress, a former officer in the armed services. Fossella had been stopped for drunken driving when he spilled the beans about his second family. During his Congressional career Fossella had vigorously campaigned against gay marriage and often invoked so called family values. According to Eddie Buenoserra, who runs a cell phone store in Fossella's Staten Island district, "ooooohhhhaaay. Personally I don't see what the problem is. The man values the family. So much he's got two families. I mean it wasn't like he was getting the bing-pow in the ying yang and you know.... doin the gay."

This week was a bad week for John Mccain (R AZ). Eight top campaign officers stepped down amid revelations that they had ties to lobbying firms, putting them in violation of McCain's policy to not hire lobbyists. (One officer had actually lobbied on behalf of the dictatorship in Myanmar.) Next his friend and colleague Sen Chuck Hagel (R. NB) publicly criticized McCain for his rhetoric on Iran and lowball attacks on Sen. Barak Obama. According to Hagel, "John is smarter than the things he is saying." Lastly, network news caught McCain in a series of gaffes regarding his mistaken perceptions about the Iranian form of government. Contacted for comment, the Arizona Senator was belligerent: " %&%!! These attacks are unfair. My predecessor in office has told whoppers at every turn and the man won re-election, I lie about a hall pass and the media is actually reporting it. Damnit. After 2000 the bar was lowered. It was lowered again in 2004 and now someone wants to raise it. I ask you my friends, what about John? When is it John's turn? Why can't John patch together some half truths, outright lies and scary stuff and be President? Why does John have to be all truthy and insightful all of a sudden."

This week, TWN again hit the streets and asked 2004 Bush voters the million dollar question, "What were you thinking?" As always, we were surprised at the answers. From Tom Deluucia in Hempstead, NY, " I know the rich got richer and the poor got poorer under the President and I know he is responsible for a lot of unnecessary violence. But he saved us from the scourge of homosexual unions. That is worth the price." Francine Mangiarie from Coral Gables Florida responded, "For the same reason blacks support Obama and women support Hillary. I want a role model. The President showed me that being incurious, insular and generally mediocre isn't a bar to success." Tommy Gultiari from Cicero, IL added his two cents: "Simple. Bush said we are number one. Kerry said we have f--ked some things up. Well, which would you rather believe?" Marty Howell of Boise, Idaho added, "I was really scared... thats a good enough excuse... isn't it?" Lastly, Seth Mylan from St. Ignance, Michigan simply stated, "John Kerry wanted to take my guns."

This week, officials at the US detention center in Guantanomo Bay, Cuba dismissed charges against the so called "20th Hijacker," Mohammed al-Qahtani after it was discovered that he had been tortured while in US custody. According to US officials. Al- Qahtani was forced to wear a bra, put on a leash and forced to perform dog tricks. He was also subjected to physical punishment that damaged the reliability of the evidence against him. Pressed for comment an Army spokesperson stated that "We are sad to lose the opportunity to prosecute such a high value detainee. On the up side, footage of our torture sesions is selling well on various European fetish websites. Just type in 'Gitmo Gone Wild' and have your credit card handy."


This is our army. This is what they do in our name.