This Week in The News

This week, John McCain and Sarah Palin accepted the Republican nominations for President and Vice President. McCain came into the convention dogged by his inability to say how many homes he and his uber rich wife own. Asked about his prospects, McCain noted, "My friend it is all about finding niche voters and we have one niche filled: the kept man. If you rely on a woman for your income, to keep you in comfort, or to fund your hopes dreams and ambitions, this is clearly the ticket for you. There are three ways to wealth in America, hard work, inheritance and marriage. Our policies may not reward the first, but they revere the second and third. Some men pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Others of us rely upon our wife's garter belt."

On Thursday night, Sarah Palin introduced herself to the GOP faithful and the nation in her acceptance speech. By all accounts, Palin charmed some and alienated some with her speech. Asked about her performance Palin replied thoughtfully, "It was tough. there was a lot of little messages I had to work in some of which seemed contradictory. For instance, I am a tough woman, but I know my place is subordinate to an important man. I am all about traditional marriage and family, even though my family is far from traditional. I don't like elites, even though I champion economic policies that have created an elite class of the uber rich. I don't like pork even though my state and town are built upon it. " Asked if she was given any advice by the candidate himself, Palin replied, "Yeah. He told me to pimp the down's kid and drop my g's."

This week, the Republican Convention in St. Paul, MN had to be delayed as the White House prepared for Hurricane Gustav to touch down in the Gulf Coast. Aware that the public still has a dim view of the Administration's lackluster response to Hurricane Katrina, the Bush Administration was prepared. Said one aide, "We have a new training module called "ALYGAS" short for "Acting Like You Give a Sh-t." It comes with various training programs including one on how to furrow your brow and look concerned and another one on how to talk to poor people just like they are real citizens. It is like... totally helpful."

This week, Sen. John McCain got to meet one Levi Johnson, the father of his running mate's illegitimate grandson. TWN was able to place a listening device on the tarmac as McCain greeted the young man and his soon to be wife. Some snippets from their conversation:

"So how did abstinence education work for you…"

"Boy, I bet when you heard you knocked up the Governor's daughter, you thought it couldn't get any worse."

"Son, I spent five years in a POW camp where I got hornier than all hell. Let me give you some advice. They are called condoms….. "

"So this is the little Peckerwood that caused all this trouble…"

"So, how does it feel now that your life is over…."

Cindy? oh yeah I'm pretty sure they are real ... .

"Hey there dad…. psyche!"

"A shotgun wedding with Sarah Palin as your Mother In Law .... give me the VC any day…."

"Aww who am I to talk. I like 'em young and skinny too."

"No seriously. The Republican convention is a sh-tload of fun. Make sure you go to the Rotary's ice cream social and the DAR's Sew A Thon."

"You know, most youthful mistakes you can put in the past. Not this one. "

Well, if its not The Dirtiest Dog Under the Northern Lights …

"Levi… its biblical isn't it? Aramaic for "I think with my D---k."